Once Upon a Deadpool
by AuthorPool
Summary: Once Upon a Time there was a handsome mercenary named Deadpool, that's me. Some of you may know this show called, "Once Upon a Time?" You know that one? Good ratings. ANYWHO, some genius in the world of fanfic decided, "Well I'm bored, might as well..." AND HERE WE ARE! Well, here YOU are, reading a summary about how I, the Merc with a Mouth, fit into the TV show's canon...
1. Once Upon a Deadpool - Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

One beautiful day, the sun shined down on the peaceful forest below. Other than an asphalt road that ran for miles, trees and wildlife stretched farther than the eye could see. Wade Wilson, the Merc with the Mouth, the Pool of Death was the only taint in the purity of this scene

"HEY! Just because you can speak in third person doesn't mean you can call me a 'taint' or whatever! I have rights!"

As our not-so-friendly neighborhood nuisance enjoyed the outdoors, he was suddenly bothered by the presence of a strong, masculine sounding voice in his head narrating a scene.

"Ya damn skippy I'm bothered! Every time you show up it means something-"

Suddenly the forest around Deadpool vanished in an instant, and suddenly a small town burst into existence from the thin air around this soiled-garment fool.

"I SAT IN A PUDDLE!" _Of piss _"YOU SHUT UP, VOICE IN MY HEAD!" _You first!_

Suddenly Deadpoo- HEY! GET OFF OF ME!

"Shut your mouth, Mr. Third Person Voice Guy! I'm jacking this fanfic!"

**BANG - *gun cocks* - BANG**

"WOOH! That dude was annoying" _So are you. _"The readers don't know that, dear." _Everyone knows that. _"What can I say, it's part of my charm."

"Hello there," said a man wearing glasses and walking his Dalmation, "what can I do for you?"

_Uh-oh, not only is cricket over here jabbing at us, but narrator dude is back too._

How on earth did you know this gentleman was a cricket?

"Duh, he's Jiminy Cricket!" Deadpool said aloud, making the gentleman stare at the Merc with an unpleasant and weirded-out gaze. _Not cool bro._

"I am who now?" Asked – _the nerdy looking guy – _don't interrupt me, Deadpool.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to him," and Deadpool pointed his finger up towards the sky. Now officially creeped out, the gentleman smiled awkwardly and continued to walk his dog, his pace quickening the further he got from Deadpool.

"He seemed nice, although a little self-CONCIOUS!" _Good one. _"I try, man, what can I say?" Ironically, crickets were the only thing to be heard after this pathetic pun.

"So, immortal narrator guy or whatever, where the f* # am I?"

You are in a small town, out in the middle of nowhere, named Storybrooke.

"Holy s#*% STORYBOOK?!"

Kind of? It's a pun on-

"Yea, yea, yea, I get it. Where can I get some food around here?"

There is a diner called Granny's just down the street, perhaps try there?

"OOOOOH, A DINER?! Those serve tacos and chimichangas right?"

~Editor's Note: At this point, the Narrator facepalmed.~

And with that, Deadpool merrily strolled to Granny's, and bursting through the door with intense passion that only intense hunger can inflict, our favorite Merc threw his hands down on the front counter and raised his right arm with impressive vigor.

"Oh, waiter!" he sang with his usual flamboyancy, "I will take a plate of your FINEST Mexican! And I don't mean their soccer team!" _Good thing you clarified that one._

"Pipe it down, clown boy, I'm coming," said the old lady wearing glasses and apron, along with holding a small notepad and pen. She stared at the – _beautiful and stunning bachelor _– sitting at the front counter, looking like a lunatic with each frantic hand wave.

"Come on, Granny, or I'll huff… and I'll puff… AND I'LL…-"

"What can I get for you today, sir?" She asked with an absence of energy and a look of annoyance upon Deadpool. He noticed this and thanked Oden for his mask to hide his tears and his shame. _Yea, bulls#%* on that one._

"My, my, my, what big teeth you have there, Miss Gam Gam," he said, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands affectionately. Just then, Wade Wilson's eyes clasped gaze upon a stunning specimen. _Using my full name makes this all so formal. _Wearing a very small and very tight skirt, along with a button-up shirt that was FAR from what its name implies, the woman's cherry red lipstick and long, slender legs enchanted the Merc.

"Your beauty blinds me," the cancer-filled Casanova purred at his prey, "I long to see you on full-moon's night."

"What did you say to me, clown man?" The woman said, her hand cocked, loaded and ready to slap Deadpool silly. "What about a full-moon?"

"Um, you're a wolf. I mean I bet you already knew you were a fox," the Merc charmed with an exaggerated wink, "OH! And you are also Red Riding Hood!" _I wanna ride her red hood, if you catch my drift or whatever._

_**SLAP!**_

"Holy long-lost evil-queens stepsister from season 3, THAT HURT!" Just as Wade lifted his head from its hanging agony, he saw a man behind Red stand up, who was also notably wearing a sheriff's badge.

"Excuse me, Graham cracker sir!" the ass of an assassin yelled as he rushed for the door, "I will not be needing a HEARTY meal today." _He'll get that one later._

Slamming the door behind him and hopping some fences, Wade found he was finally alone in this middle-of-nowhere –town-from-thin-air. Which means it's a good time to ask! How do you know all these people are fairytale characters, Wade?

"Um, duh, they are in old stories and there's a show about them!" _This narrator guy has trouble keeping up, huh? _"I'll say."

Then you know why I'm here than, right?

"I do, but why don't you tell me so the reader's know what the main plot before we add in the title?"

I need you to bring a special book to a special boy in this town. He needs hope now more than ever.

"If you were powerful enough to bring me here, why can't you just do this Fedex special book delivery thing yourself?" _I'll bet five bucks it's some lame a$$ unwritten story rule or something._

As the narrator, I only possess enough power for continuity, I can't, however, be the star of a story myself, that would be terrible.

"So find a book, bring it to a kid, and get paid I assume?" _This voice-guy better be charging by the bulls*&amp;%._

I suppose I could dip into some funds… as long as it doesn't affect the events in some dramatic way.

"HOT DIGGITY DOG LET'S DELIVER A BOOK B!% #E$!"

_Once Upon a Deadpool_


	2. Once Upon a Deadpool - Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

"ALRIGHTY Mr. Narrator Man, where to?"

Well there is one small catch in this whole deal, Deadpool.

"There always is with you "masculine-voiced narrator" types aren't there?"

I am going to just refuse even responding to that.

"You just did. You heard it too, right?" _He did, can confirm._

Damn it! Alright then, fine. I just won't tell you about the catch. I'll let you figure it out yourself! How is that, smart alleck?

"My name is Deadpool not Alleckpool and I'm most certainly not smart." _You tell him_ "AND FURTHERMORE, YOU ARE THE NARRATOR! NOW NARRATE!"

…

…

_Did he leave? _"Can he do that?" _I don't think so._

***tap… tap… tap tap…***

_You are tapping thin air. _"Yea, but every time I do that words pop up on the screen. How else do you communicate with a rude narrator?"

I AM NOT RUDE!

"HAHA, see? We got him!" _I can't see._

Alright, fine. The catch is…

Then suddenly Deadpool was struck in the back of the head with a club.

"OW! What the Enchanted For-"

With a sudden shock of intense pain in the back of his skull, Deadpool found himself falling deep into unconsciousness. The last thing he heard was the muffling mumbles of a strong, female voice, which sent him into pleasant daydreams as to who the voice belonged to.

Upon awakening, Deadpool finds himself in a dark cave, seemingly alone. He holds his hand to his head and finds dried blood, which means his wound had since healed. His captor must have escaped and –

"And when I find the b*$# who did this to me, I'm gonna RIP HER HEAD OFF!" _Unless of course she has nice boobs… in which case…_

OK! Wade, why don't you take a look around for a way out?

"Oh yea! That might be a good idea."

Taking a few blind steps forward on solid rock ground, Deadpool slams face first into a wet, warm wall.

***BANG***

***thud***

…

"… when I get outta… rip someone's… eat their… piece of…"

With a sudden roar, the Merc is immediately awake and alert. Jumping back a few feet out of instinct and reaching for his katana, Wade readied himself to fight. A sudden burst of flame in the cave made him duck, and expecting the worst, our humorous hero braced himself for the burns to come. However, after a moment, there was no pain at all. Looking up, he found torches along the walls of the cave lit, and a large, fearsome looking dragon staring intently into his eyes from above.

"MALEFICIENT! YOU BEAUTIFUL BEAST YOU, did you do something new with your hair? You look lovely, honestly, you really upped the scales."

**RAWR!**

"Ok ok! I can see where that joke might have been a _tad _insensitive, don't be so hot headed, girlfriend!"

To this the dragon responded with a simple stare, although tons of annoyance could be gathered from just a moment of seeing the look in the beast's eyes.

"Can you get me out of here, darling? I'm kind of a delivery boy - on a treasure hunt - for his literary package. Not to mention I'm dealing with a narrator guy and an author writing a fanfic about _all _of this, so I could really use a break."

RAWR!

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M CRAZY, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE CHANGED APPEARANCES IN THIS SHOW?"

~Editor's Note: SPOILER ALERT - Three times – From her original appearance into a dragon – then into a ghost – and then into a younger actress with no frizzy blonde hair.

Just as the words escaped Wade's mouth, a metallic-creaking shriek like that of old machinery whirring to life sounded throughout the cave, echoing off the stone walls and making the place louder than a fiesta with free chimichangas.

_You are just trying to piss me off now with hunger, aren't you?_

Torchlight could be seen coming from a tunnel, and carrying that torch was the man wearing a sheriff's badge Deadpool had seen in the diner before he was knocked out. In his hand was a tray, and on that tray was a plate, and on that plate was a bright, red, juicy looking apple.

Saliva was pooling out of Deadpool's mouth now, and not just because the sheriff was quite the looker.

"Graham, you beautiful sonuvabitch. GIVE ME THAT APPLE!"

Deadpool rushed forward to snatch the apple off of the tray, and was just feet away from Graham when he heard a loud noise and felt a sharp pain. Quicker than Wade could react, Graham had pulled and fired his gun at the Merc's leg, and dropping to the ground, he looked up with a laugh.

"Oh the things I am going to do to you… *laughter*… I'll let you take a guess. It includes me shoving a certain something somewhere. Hint: That something is an apple, and the place it's going? It sounds a lot like apple only it smells worse."

These words didn't seem to register on the face of the sheriff, and Wade noticed a certain glassiness over his eyes.

"Are you stoned, Graham ol' buddy? I didn't even get a _stifle_ of laughter out of your little Scottish a$$?" _It isn't 420 today, is it?_

Still, no reaction at all. Just then, however, Wade noticed something peculiar; the tray on which the apple sat was shiny. _Very _shiny. Calling to mind his knowledge of the show, Deadpool had deduced that someone was watching the two of them, and that someone was probably in control of Graham. _That someone also likes to show a lot of boobie in her dresses._

"Ooooooohh….. I see. Well, I am gonna guess I have to ask nicely for the apple?"

Surprisingly, Graham just mechanically handed the apple over calmly, and then proceeded to hurriedly walk away.

"That was… a bit too easy…" _You know this is a trap right? _"Oh f$# yea." _What else does the Evil Queen do in the show? _"Um… show tons of boobies?" _I already said that but I mean what else__? _"Teehee, I don't notice much more than that."_ Oh for f*$ sake, don't eat the apple. _"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, MOM!"

With a satisfyingly tantalizing crunch, Wade tasted the crisp apple as it met his tongue, crushed between his teeth, and slid smoothly down his throat. All that he could remember after that moment was getting a REALLY GOOD SLEEP.

Darkness enveloped Deadpool and sadly, the Merc with a Mouth was voiceless. He heard nothing, not even the voice in his head or the narrator guy he adored so much and whom he thought was so handsome. He saw nothing, not even a good TV show like Once Upon a Time.

He felt tired. He was restless, but could not move a muscle. He felt his feeling factor working but… it was like running up a hill of ice wearing soap shoes. Alone for what felt like a lifetime, finally Deadpool awoke.

"Wha tha…. When I get a hol of… I am goin ta… slice an… Holy $#it, I needa throw up." _Welcome back._

Hurling onto the floor beside him, Wade heaved until he was breathless, and then tried to assess his surroundings.

Still in the cave, and still alone, other than for the dragon fast asleep a few feet away. How long was he asleep?

All of the events leading up to this point caught up to Deadpool in an instant, and it all made him angry… and with the greatest of angers… comes the greatest of…-

"I am hungry." _Dude, me too._

-… apptetites. Set on chowing down on anything edible that was preferably Mexican food, Wade rose up from the floor and began to walk towards the tunnel he had seen Sheriff Graham walk in from before he had passed out. Before he went in, however, Deadpool turned around and took one final glance at the sleeping beast.

"_Well, well, well_… She is gonna love not having those blonde curls _and _being human." _That__ and not being alone. That must suck._

"Yea, being alone and sane must suck."

Hey, I can vouch for it being quite pleasant, actually.

"No one asked you, bodiless narrator guy. I thought voices didn't have opinions."

I could make that into something very poetic. Voices don't have opinions, but opinions have voices and-…

_Or we could find the book. _"I, for one, am with stupid."

And with that, the Merc and the voice in his head walked ahead into the dark tunnel and the unknown, ready to find and deliver the book, but first and foremost, to get some chow.


	3. Once Upon a Deadpool - Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

"THIS PIZZA IS AMAZING!" Deadpool bellowed as he scarfed down entire pieces of large, pepperoni and onion pizza in one bite. "Who knew a background location like Dave's Pizza would be so freaking delicious?" _Even when they just insert a sign on a building for continuity sake, this town delivers with every detail. _"I see what you did there – delivers!"

Anyways, the Merc was now strolling merrily down the street, his legs kicking high in their almost skipping fashion, when he passed by a man walking with a cane.

"Hey there, gramps! Know where a guy can find a book around here?"

The man just glared at Wade and continued to walk by, but he persisted. "HEY DISCOUNT STEVEN TYLER, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

**~EDITORS NOTE: Steven Tyler is/was the lead singer of Aerosmith, who, as Wade likens, has long grey hair similar to the character he is speaking with.**

"I don't know this 'Steven Tyler,'" the old man started, "but I do know that you it might benefit you to not speak to me in such a tone of voice, dearie." Wade heard a prominent cynicism in his tone of voice, along with the Scottish accent, and he was struck with slight rememberance.

"Oh…. You're Rump… I mean Mr. Gold."

As Wade said this, a look of unsettling surprise shot through the eyes of Mr. Gold, but he quickly shifted his facial expression to that resembled the face people always gave to the crazy.

"That's right. Now, if you need a book, the library might be the best place to start. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a shop to get back to." And with that, Mr. Gold, limped away, a bit quicker in pace than before.

"Have a good day, dearie!" Deadpool called out to him with a vigorous hand waving.

_Who was that really?_

"That was Rumplestiltskin, he's kinda hot."

_Doesn't ring a Belle._

"Oh voice in my head, you truly are a _chip _off the old block!"

You both drive me mad, and we are wasting time.

***POOF!***

In an instant, the Merc found himself staring at a beautiful mansion. He felt an odd vibe in the air as he walked closer to it, almost as if the air was filled with-

_Don't say magic, you cheeky bugger_

Wade stared into the house through the windows, searching to see if anyone was home.

"IS ANYONE HOME," he bellowed obviously as he banged his fist violently against the door. _Well we know they aren't asleep if they were before, power-fist._

"I'm annunciating, the doctor said I am a bit shy and need to raise my voice." Deadpool tried the handle but found the door locked.

"No locked door is a match for CONTINUITY AND THE NARRATOR MAN!"

***POOF!***

In an instant, Wade found himself inside of the house – wait, I can't believe you just made me do that, Wade.

"I didn't _make _ you do anything, I think we are friends now."

He said the word, "friends," as if it was foreign to his vocabulary.

_Nice touch._

Thanks! So, the Merc proceeded to look around the fancy mansion, and he DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING.

_Damnit._

As he looked around, he stumbled upon a large open room with a hanging, shimmering chandelier. Just below the chandelier, sitting in the middle of the floor was a book. On the front face of the book, inscribed in curly, elegant writing were the words, "Once Upon a Time."

"Now that is the name of a TV series if I ever heard one," Wade said as he giddily picked up the hefty volume. _I don't think that show would catch._

"Well that was easy!" Deadpool cried out as he strutted merrily out of the mansion, unlocking the door for future visitors and dark lords.

_I would like to take this moment to make one small comment_

"You say it like I could stop you if I wanted."

_You can't. Anyways, if everyone that comes to this town (or at least mostly everyone) plays some part in a fairytale or at least in the canon, does that mean we are gonna have some episodes too?_

Now there is a question. No, you won't, and that is precisely why I recruited you, Deadpool. I needed someone who was bizarre enough to be able to somehow fit into the canon of the show without messing up the actual storyline.

"But we are both owned by Disney!"

_Everything is!_

Yes, I understand. However, this show and your comics, Deadpool, are two universes that should never collide on any screen. Maybe in a fanfiction, but never should a TV show feature Wade Wilson interacting with the citizens of Storybrooke, although I'm sure your actions will be brushed over on occasion.

"What about you then, Narrator guy, are you in the show?"

In a way, I am. I wrote that book you are holding.

"WOAH! Why didn't you just deliver it yourself then?"

_Other than being lazy_

I haven't appeared in the show yet. As for now, just call me the Author.


	4. A Brief Letter

Hey all,

I haven't written in a while but there has been a few of you wonderful people just tooning into this story that I wrote months ago and truthfull, its humbling.

As you may know or assumed, the way the story was going, the OUAT universe has since shit on that path (bastards, but we love them.)

So, if anyone has ideas on perhaps how they want the story to go, or if they want Wade to interact with any particular characters or literally anything, I'd be very open to suggestion.

You humble me. You flatter me. I appreciate you all.

Thanks for tuning in,

Sincerely,

AuthorPool


End file.
